Breastfeeding: An Amazing Nightmare

Breastfeeding is like an amazing nightmare.

After having my son I was so eager to see what breastfeeding felt like, that first latch as he suckled away.

I was doing great I thought.

Then I went home and I literally saw blood on my nipples and on my sons mouth. I gasped and was so scared to latch him on again. He cried so hard, I literally cried as I didn't want to put him on me.

I was terrified of the pain and the blood.

But I knew he wanted to be comforted by me. Eventually, I plucked up the courage and I latched him on. It hurt so bad I literally clenched my fists and my arms and started to cry. I couldn't do this - I thought why could something that looked so natural be so difficult?

Why couldn't I feed my own son?

I then started to pump instead. This became a new element of breastfeeding that I didn't even consider. I became a pumping queen! I thought I was doing great as he was putting on weight -then the nurses told me to breastfeed him directly as it will make my life easier in the future.

I then felt deflated again.

I was so scared of the pain and questioned whether he would be getting enough? I continued day by day working on the latching technique literally compressing my areolas down to get it into his tiny mouth. He would suckle then fall asleep then wake up.

I then decided if other mums can breastfeed directly why can't I?

I found that I was getting tired having to pump all the time, I couldn't rest when the baby was resting. And now today 2 months and 3 days in and I'm directly bf my son and he has two bottles of breast milk in the night. We have come a long way. I hope that I can encourage other mothers out there to not give up.

My journey wasn't what I envisaged but we are getting there.

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© 2020 The Motherhood Group, Coordinators of Black Maternal Mental Health Week UK